I Am Still There

By Carmelo J. LoParo

I did what was asked of me and was finally going home.
As the wheels left the ground behind, I felt that I was done.
I didn’t have to pack much and was anxious to leave.
But the memories of war were still with me more than I wanted to believe.

I brought my medals with me and the few things that I shared.
I thought that we were going home to a country that cared.
I thought the plane would be filled with happiness and cheers.
But in fact, there was silence and the sound of several tears. 

Most of us were worried that this was all another dream,
One that we experienced almost every night it seemed.
The dream where we were home and lived our lives thereafter.
Only to wake up still in war, surrounded by death and disaster.

When I checked my bags to see if all was there,
I was confident that I brought it all, but still I was scared.
I thought I was leaving behind the memories, deaths and dismay,
But the conflict in my heart and mind just won’t go away.

Between today and when I departed is now more than 50 years.
And the things I brought home that day still cause sleeplessness and tears.
Some of the items I brought with me are my medals and Green Beret.
They now sit on a closet shelf where my Dad’s medals also lay.

My wife was a gift from God, along with our kids and grandkids too.
They are everything one could ask for, a beautiful dream come true.
But when I have another dream that I never really did come home,
The happiness and relief I feel quickly leaves me, as if I were alone.

Has my life been just a dream? Is it now or is it then?  
Am I here or am I there?  My brain just can’t comprehend.
These dreams are unimaginable unless you have lived them too.
They can affect literally everything you may want to say or do.

My family and friends tell me that I am not alone.
They try to hold and comfort me to assure me that I am home.
I know that they love me as they provide understanding and care.
But the problem is that part of me really is still there.

Captain Carmelo J. LoParo
3/187th Infantry
101st Airborne Division
Vietnam 1971